Trying to Get to My True Self

A few years after the experience of catching my first thought, which I shared in my previous blog Catching a Thought, I was still not really getting this whole “awakening” thing. I was convinced that What I Truly Am was somewhere else and I had to work very hard to get there.

I believed I needed to see through and release a certain amount of emotional baggage—quite a lot of baggage, actually—before I would be allowed into the rarified space of My True Self. I experimented with the Work of Byron Katie for about a year, but all I got was tendonitis from writing out so many “Judge Your Neighbor” worksheets. I then got certified as a Living Inquiries facilitator in the hope that if I saw through more conditioning, I would eventually get to where I wanted to be.

Then one evening as I was sitting at my computer, I suddenly realized that What I Truly Am had been here all along. It was what was looking through my eyes right at that very moment—and in this moment, too—and aware of everything that was happening. This Awareness I had mistaken for a limited human consciousness was also my True Self!

It was so obvious it seemed like a joke had been played on me. I was actually looking around my office for the hidden camera and the commentator whispering to the audience, “Let’s see how she reacts when she finally gets it.” If there had been a real audience, they would have seen me sitting there with my mouth hanging open and looking rather stunned.

The next day, when I told my teacher about what had happened, he replied, “That’s great, but it’s just the beginning.” This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be done. However, as the years have passed, I have seen the truth of his words. While My True Self is ALWAYS present, conscious embodiment of It is an ongoing process of ever-deepening connection as I continue to expose all the human conditioning that holds me back from inhabiting Myself more fully. However, when I approach the investigation from My True Self, rather than from a limited human being, it is much easier to loosen those stuck places in “my” psyche because I don’t take them personally.

It takes patience, humor, compassion and trust to let go of the ties that have kept me bound to suffering, but I can no longer see any other purpose for this human existence.